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New Loves of 2014

So we are now at the end of February and we have had time to build some new loves for the year 2014. It’s time to give some recognition. First of all, this whole topic actually started out as a comment to my friend’s blog post. She ended her blog with… “Let me know what some of your new loves for 2014 are? Have you made new discoveries about yourself?”… and so of course, I answered. She read my comment, and said “Hey, this is a really long comment… why don’t you post it on your blog?”…

And here I am. Thanks LAS! I am now here, writing a blog(and copy/pasting), which if you look around on my site… there isn’t much. But hey, this is 2014… let’s make a change, right? (By the way, if you’re interested in seeing where I got my inspiration from, check out my friends blog here)

So here are my… New Loves of 2014

1. Florida

It’s been a bit of a struggle but it’s official, I love Florida. Florida has warmed it’s way into my heart and has made it on my “New Loves of 2014″ list. What helped seal the deal was my brother. His visit here REALLY helped me look at things differently. My cat had just passed away right before my brother’s visit, and it was just another thing I wanted to put on my list of “why I hate Florida” and I’m so thankful that he arrived just days after because it helped me cope and stopped me from ever putting it on the list. He’s enthusiasm for coming to live here really helped get me re-enthused about Florida. Now I’ve stopped looking at it as “what’s missing that I had in Oklahoma” and now as a “what I now have that I never had in Oklahoma”
– A beach 10 minutes away
– Spanish foods at every corner
– The fact that I speak more Spanish now than I have in a very long time
– New areas that I’m falling in love with
– The fact that I have family here, and more soon to come
– One flight away from Puerto Rico or the Dominican Republic
– That everyone wants to vacation here. I have had 4 visitors from different places stop here and stay with us, and the visits just keep on coming
– Dog friendly state. I have never seen more dogs in a store and outside of restaurant patios than I have here.
– Warm weather, YEAR ROUND!

… And the list goes on

2. My weight

This actually sort of goes into the “Why I Love Florida” category but it’s just so awesome that I had to put it in it’s own category. It’s the end of February and I haven’t gained 10-15 pounds, which is pretty awesome. It never fails, every winter I put on a lot of weight because of the cold weather (at least that’s my excuse), but living here has helped in maintaining my weight, even with all the EXTRA temptations out there. And the beautiful part is that it really hasn’t been a struggle at all.

4. My new crock pot

I’m obsessed. And yes, I have food in there cooking as we speak. The chicken I made last weekend was UH-MAY-ZING! And my prepped dinners in the freezer make it so easy to just drop all the ingredients in and let the crock pot do it’s magic. Delicious dinner done without a struggle. What’s not to love?

5. Lost Girl

My favorite show of 2014, and yes, I know the show started in 2010, but that’s what makes the late discovery even better. I love starting shows that already have a few seasons under their belt. It allows for binge watching. Back to back to back to back episodes. Not that that’s what we did……
…… ;)

Of course, there are other shows that we love, but since we actually started this in 2014, it gets a spot on the list of New things of 2014. And… WE. LOVE. IT.

6. Writer’s group

I have joined a group of writers that meet every Sunday, for an hour, just to write. This lights me up in a new way about writing that I haven’t felt in a while. It’s also great because, even though it’s only for an hour, I will always have a scheduled time for my writing. Just what I need. AND I also get to meet more writers, which is always exciting. Nothing like feeding off other writers’ energies.

I have also finally made a well-constructed outline for my first book series. It’s perfect, it’s detailed enough that I have a guide for each chapter, but open enough that it doesn’t confine me to just one idea.

I look forward to more things to come for this new year.

So like my friend said… “Let me know what some of your new loves for 2014 are? Have you made new discoveries about yourself?”… leave a comment or post on your blog and share the link with us, we want to know!

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I’m Not Too Late, Am I?

I wish I knew how to stick up for myself
Stand up against all others for what I believe is right
Not just let them run all over me without a fight
Show them what could be, what even might

I wish I knew how to tell you ‘I love you’ out loud
Not look up to see if there was anyone around
Feeling anxious with the thought of being found
Them taking ahold, burying our bodies far underneath the ground

I wish I knew how to kiss you without a care
Let you put your lips on mine without feeling scared
Torturing myself with the thought of punishment we may fair
Trusting in people’s kindness, I find it to be rare

I wish I knew how to say the right words to keep you here
Even though my arms are stretched out and I don’t let you near
All because I can’t think of anything other than my fear
I’m ashamed, I let everyone else take away the wheel and steer

I don’t think I’ve ever told you
But I’m not as confident as I let on to be
I ask you to be strong but look at me
I can’t even face the world and let them see

It’s a shame I have to be this way
I can’t even face my own fate
Always caring more about what everyone else may say
Letting others pull you away, and finding my courage to come too late

I am going to learn how to stick up for myself
Stand up against all others for what I believe is right
Not just let them run all over me without a fight
Show them what could be, what even might

I am going to tell the world ‘I love you’ out loud
Indifferent to whoever might be around
Undeterred about us being found
Living in the moment, laying your soft body on the ground

I am going to kiss you without a care
Let you put your lips on mine without feeling scared
Uncaring if the world will ever be fair
Trusting in people’s kindness, so what if it is rare

I am going to say all the right words to keep you here
Hold you close in my arms and keep you near
I know now that I have nothing to fear
I’m alive, and I’ll take the wheel and steer

I know I never told you
But I wasn’t as confident as I let on to be
I asked you to be strong but did you notice me
I couldn’t even face the world and let them see

It’s a shame I let myself be that way
But now I’m ready to embrace my fate
I can’t care what everyone else has to say
I won’t let them pull you away, so please tell I’m not too late

I’m not too late, am I?

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Dear Mom

Dear mom,
I haven’t wanted to write this letter
Afraid
I know, its fear that governs me
I’m sorry
I wish I was stronger, like you
But I’m not
You told me you’d always love me
And I know you do
But things have changed
I see it
And this is why I haven’t written this letter
And now you know
Before I could tell you myself
You know, that I’m gay
I’m sorry I didn’t tell you
But I was afraid
Afraid of what would become
And what has
Everything is different now
You still love me, I know
But you hold me at arm’s length
I know you just can’t understand
But I wish you would
Its love
But the definition doesn’t seem the same to you
Because gay is not love
I’m sorry you can’t see it the way I do
But I so wish
I so wish you could

I mourn the mother I once had
The one that couldn’t wait until I got married
The one that couldn’t wait for me to have children
The one that saw me happy
With a man
I’m sorry, it’s not as planned
Wish you could see the same for me
Even though it’s with a woman
You’re so strong
I wish you could use that strength
To stand next to me
Against my adversaries
“It’s not an easy life you have chosen”
That’s what you told me
You’re right, it’s not easy
But you’re also wrong, I didn’t chose it
And I sure could use your strength
In the hard times I face ahead
I’ve taken the hard walk in life
To show everyone who I really am
To live my life the way you didn’t plan
Some say that’s strong, but I don’t feel strong
I feel like at any moment
The hate will overwhelm me
And I will break
That my brave face will fall
My squared shoulders will hunch
And my heart will give out
With every hateful word I have to brace

When will someone’s laughs and jokes
Not be so funny anymore?
When I’m dead?
Lying on the floor like so many others
Who decided to say “Hey, yes, I’m gay”
Should I live in this fear because I love her?
I live my life half hidden
I don’t show myself until I know I’ll be accepted
I think that’s sad
To live like this
It’s not how I planned to live my life
I only get this one shot
It’s too bad that I have to go it half-lived
It is difficult to stand up to my foes
When I have no one standing next to me
But mother
I hope one day, you will
I hope one day it’ll be easier
For us both
And that you’ll be there
By my side, telling me everything will be okay

Dear mom,
I’m gay
I hope someday you can understand
Understand that you can love me
Just the same

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John Doesn’t Know

Oh John, don’t you know
You are the one everyone speaks of as they stand amidst
Looking onto your face that does not understand
They do not realize that to you, they no longer exist

Oh John, don’t you see
You are not who everyone thinks
Your history is gone from your eyes
Actually, there’s no past sitting on the brink

Oh John, don’t you hear
There’s a distinct silence that’s just for you
Everyone’s mouth is moving
But you can’t make out a word or two

Oh John, don’t you feel
Those are the hands of a stranger
Patting yours sympathetically
Fearing that your memories are in danger

Oh John, can’t you taste
The sweet strawberry lips of your wife’s
Except she’s just a woman that pressed them there in haste
Stirring your heart not your mind, cutting you like a knife

Oh John, don’t you know
Your last name is Doe
But everyone here thinks you’re Benjamin Row
You don’t remember a time when that was ever so

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Never Leave

Love me
Unkindly
Take my hand
Pull me roughly

Deny me
Fiercely
Leave me wanting
There, sobbing

Control me
Unyieldingly
Keep me emotionally
Wanting

Hunt me
Predatorily
When I run away
There’s no escaping

Haunt me
Formidably
Consumed in the abuse
I can’t leave you

Will never leave you
Fear leaving you
Can’t breathe thinking of leaving you
Don’t want to, leave you

Love me
Feverishly
You can’t deny me
And won’t

Want me
Uncontrollably
Let me know
You need me, I know

Feel me
Desperately
Take away my clothes
And leave me bare for you to hold

Fear me
Tremendously
Because you desire me
Like no one else

Hold me
Chokingly
Not wanting to leave me
But you won’t leave

Won’t ever leave me
Fear leaving me
Can’t breathe thinking of leaving me
Don’t want to, leave me

Love me
Sweetly
Give soft kisses
On these expectant lips

Deny me
Never
When I ask for your heart
It’s mine, always

Control me
Softly
When I get wild
And harmful to myself

Hunt me
Worriedly
When I’m lost
And afraid of everything else

Haunt me
Beautifully
revealing sweet memories
Of you and me, together

Together
Forever
We cannot depart
There is no leaving

We will never leave
Fear leaving
Can’t breathe thinking of leaving
Don’t want to, leave each other

Won’t ever, leave each other

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In the Eve of My Death

In the eve of my death
I breathed the humid air
Where the storm gathered
Furrowing it’s brow at me

I felt a false sense of calm
Wrapped up and cloaked
In a blanket of danger
That wasn’t quite warm

The touch of darkness
It wasn’t so harsh
I expected pain and fear
Maybe it was best unprepared

But the rage will not be forgotten
It was hideous from what I remember
I trembled ferociously
As it blew past

Now I stand here
Part of the deceased
My spirit a speckle in the mass
Much like in my human life

Though the afterlife beckons me
It doesn’t seem too eager to receive me
I’m just one more of the many
I suppose it’s just part of their job

But I linger here
In the spirit world
Holding that last moment of life I had
As if I could change it now

I cannot alter the past
Neither can I decipher it
All that I can do is acknowledge
I am gone

In the eve of my death
I walked right into its snare
I had no idea
I’d be here now, dead

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Kindness Becomes Us

I witnessed a kindness
They are far and few in between
But yet, there it was
It’s something hardly seen

The world is constantly changing
I have to follow along
But usually hate sticks around
Making individuals feel they don’t belong

This kindness gives me a glimmer of hope
That all things could improve
I have to believe it will
Even if all others disapprove

I fight for me and her
But you showed me that you fight for us too
There’s no obligation
But somehow your intension seem true

Love and support
We can build mountains with that
I’ll pick up a stone
It’s something we can all work at

I witnessed a kindness
So brothers and sisters, let’s all pick up a stone
And not cast it onto each other
Instead, let’s build the framework of love

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When Someone Wants Something of You, You Give Nothing.

A man on the street asks me “could you help me please?”
I continue walking without acknowledgement.
He lets me go, knowing he is no one of value.
The next day, I walk the familiar street.
Same man, sitting on the bench repeats, “could you help me please?”
“Could you help me please?” he repeats.
This time I shake my head, my feet not skipping a beat.
He lets me go, knowing he is no one of value.
The following day, I head to work again.
I walk the familiar street and notice the man standing
He says once again “could you help me please”
And he holds out a cup as he looks at me hopefully.
This time I speak, “I’ve got nothing” I say
As the change in my pocket clinks-clinks with every step I take.
He lets me go, knowing he is no one of value.
That evening, I walk the same street heading home.
The man is there, sitting quietly in the shadows.
He says nothing.
I feel someone grab me from behind
I yell “help me please!”
I see the man, he looks up at me.
I look at him.
“Help me please!” I yell once again.
But then the hand holding me from behind
Closes around my throat, and I can talk no more.
He pulls me into the shadows
As the man from the street watches me go.
He doesn’t try to save me.
He knows, I’m no longer someone of value.

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It Was There

I never knew love
But I saw it once
It was there, in your eyes
I couldn’t understand it then
But it was there
And I missed it

Now I search
But it’s not there
Not anymore
It’s gone
No eyes hold that light
Not like yours did

I walked heaven and earth
Yet, no
You’d think it was there
Somewhere
Anywhere
But it’s not

If only I knew then what it was
I might know love now
I don’t know love
But it was there
In my grasp
And I missed it

You gave me a glimpse
But I didn’t know
It was love
Those eyes held much love
It was there
It was there

But I missed it

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A Writer’s Tool for the Frazzled Mind

It’s been a minute. Sorry for the lack of blog posts lately, I’ve had a few things going on but I’m jumping to it now. So here’s an update on my writing:

Finally have gotten all my work transferred into Scrivener. It’s quite a task when you already have so much writing done. So for those of you who haven’t started on your writing I’d recommend looking into Scrivener first, upload the trail version, and give it a look-see. What do I think of it so far? Loving it. It is greatly needed, especially for my frazzled brain. For those of you that are not organized by any means (like me), this does the organizing for you. It’s wonderful.

So I’ve also been looking into this other program called Character Writer 3.1. First of all, this might not be a program for all. If you’re writing a stand-alone book I think Scrivener has all the tools you’ll need to make a wonderful story. It honestly could be a waste of money for most. Now, for those of you planning to write a series, you might want to check it out. Something that I heard a few days ago (which I cannot remember the source for the life of me) is how easy it is for a writer to change the physical appearance of their characters or even lose track of how they planned to develop their character throughout their series. When I brought this up with my bestie, she said “That is so true, the series I’m reading right now I noticed that the main character’s eyes were first brown for the first few books and now they are blue.” – People! Don’t pretend to think you can keep track of the physical appearance of all your characters, ESPECIALLY if you have more than 20 characters (like I do). Give your poor little brain a break with all that “memory storage” and write it down. Scrivener has a nice little template you can use to put all that information down so you can keep track. What I like so far with Character Writer 3.1 is that it’s WAY more detailed and gives you so many more ideas on how to build your character(s). This program provides you with a set of questions about your character that you might not even have thought of. For example, one of the questions I came across was “Does your character wear glasses/contacts?”… Um, what?! I never thought about it… DOES my character wear glasses?! Hmm… something to think about. Another thing I’ve liked so far on this program is that it gives you choices of personalities to choose from that your characters might fit. So you might be thinking… “So it’s doing all the work for you!” “What if none of the personalities they give you fits what you think of your character?!” or “What if some things fit your character and some don’t.” Well here’s the beautiful thing, all this program does is give you suggestions and guideline points. Everything else is you. And there are no boundaries when it comes to this program, you can move and tweak your characters however which way you want. Anyway, so far I like it. But 60 to 70 dollars is a LOT to spend especially for those of us that are “starving.” Regardless, try it out and see what you think. They have a nice trial version like Scrivener, but sadly, unlike Scrivener you cannot save your work. What I decided to do in that case was only build one character to see what I thought. Also, I don’t turn off my computer. Haha. Another feature on this program is that it also helps you build your plot. Haven’t gotten to that part yet but I’ll give you an update as soon as I’ve tried it out.

Has anyone else tried either program? What do you guys think about it? Are there any other programs that you might suggest to writers? Any that you’ve tried and disliked? Let us know, we’re all ears!